Genesis God makes everything, and it’s PERFECT- - for about 3.2 seconds Exodus Yahweh vs Raw - fight night! Leviticus Stop doing gross stuff! Numbers Israel makes a wrong turn at Mt Sinai - refuses to ask for directions Deuteronomy I said STOP doing gross stuff - what is WRONG with you all??!!! Joshua Hotly anticipated product launch of “Moses 2.0” Judges A riveting documentary of doctrine - total deprevety Ruth The Bachelorette: Hebrew-ish 1 Samuel It’s David and Goliath 2 Samuel David and Goliath - the Director’s VHS sequel - like Alladdin 2 1 Kings Solomon marries a TONNE of women, and finds out - it’s a REALLY bad idea. Who new?? 2 Kings Israel and Judah go "0 for 2" in a death match against Babylon and Asyria. Should have declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess 1 Chronicles A sweeping documentary over Israel’s history 2 Chronicles A sweeping documentary over Israel’s history Ezra The temple gets an extreme home makeover Nehemiah Jerusalem gets an extreme home makeover Esther A brave Jewish woman - saves her people. Full of more exciting drama - than any game of thrones … plus there’s WAY more clothes. Job This is a Hebrew country music song Psalms Ancient Hillsong album - with cheap metaphors Proverbs God “pities ‘da fool” - who don’t follow Him! Ecclesiastes Everything is meaningless - except everything isn’t REALLY meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whooah! Song of Solomon You know what - just go ask your parents (it’s all about SEX) |
Isaiah “Make Worship Great Again” - MWGA !! Jeremiah God has a great plan, and a future for you - and definitely NOT any trials, tribulations or suffering. Nope, not at all. Lamentations [crying emoji] Ezekiel A total of crafty and mind-trapping: eagles and bones and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff… Daniel Fights his own personal lions, which also happen to be _actual lions_ that want to eat him. Hosea This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Joel This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Amos This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Obediah This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Jonah Hey - finally! An anthropomorphic asparagus - goes on an adventure with some pirates. Arrrrr! Micah This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Nahum This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Habakkuk This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Zephaniah This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Haggai This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Zechariah This is a minor prophet - - - didn’t I say this one already?? This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Malachi This is a minor prophet - who’s not Jonah - feel free to skip this one Matthew Peter does some dumb stuff; Jesus is the Messiah Mark Peter does some dumb stuff; Jesus is the suffering servant Luke Peter does some dumb stuff; Jesus is the son of man John Peter does some dumb stuff; Jesus is the son of God Acts Miracles, shipwrecks, LOTS of tongues. Basically it’s John MacArthur’s worst nightmare! |
Romans Man screws stuff up, but God justifies Corinthians STOP screwing stuff up, Corinth!! 2 Corinthians Corinth!! I MEAN IT this time!!!! Galatians This is Romans, but shorter Ephesians This is Romans, but shorter II Philippians You can win sports games - through Jesus Colossians Jesus rules ALL of creation - even the the weird stuff, like “platypi” 1 Thessalonians Jesus is “comin’ ‘round the mountain - when He comes” 2 Thessalonians A letter of encouragement and inspiration - like an ancient Max Lucado book 1 Timothy Ladies, please stop talking 2 Timothy Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy Titus basically a Century 1 "vision-casting conference" for young pastors Philemon Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto Hebrews Moses gets put on “blast” - for - like - 13 chapters! James Act MORE GOODER, people! 1 Peter You’re gonna suffer! 2 Peter Uh, Paul is REALLY confusing - please help! 1 John God is love, OK? 2 John Yep - God’s still love 3 John How many TIMES do you have to SAVE people??!!!! Do I need to write a FOUR JOHN??!!!! Jude Stop being heretics, please. OK, thanks, bye. Revelation Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist! |